Johnny’s Blog

To tell you the God’s honest truth…I would have no idea what to say & what to do to relate to Johnny.  I don’t ever remember doing drugs, I don’t remember being married, I don’t remember sex, I don’t remember college, I don’t remember working … I remember nothing!!  Most of my life is spent wondering what in the hell is going on and why?  I have a few fragmented “memories” that seem to be mine, but it may have been someone telling me a story.  My memories and not necessarily mine, they  could be something you or a friend told me about when we were kids that happened to them!  All of the sudden, this memory becomes mine & I would swear to God that it’s mine & I’m telling you the truth.

When I was in the hospital, I was watching “The Deadliest Catch” on Discovery Channel.  As I watched this, I was apparently very interested.  Mom says she was sitting with me & the nurse came in to give me my medicine.  The nurse told Mom that I said that I was a boat Captain & would deep sea fish for King Crab like they do on the TV Show.  Mom laughed & said I wasn’t.  The nurse throught that the story was great.   I laugh about that now because a lot has changed in the appearance of this injury … but things like this still happen often.   You must know that my intention was NEVER to lie to this nurse.

I’d imagine I’d even pass a lie detector because I am telling you what I preceieve to be the God’s honest truth.  Trying to explain brain trauma is like you having to explain “making love” (not sex) to a kid.  It can’t be done.

I can tell you this … picture in your mind the lotto drawing.  They way they get those numbers out on random order is from one of those giant-spinning “ball machines.”  The machine spins around & they draw a random number.

Most of the day … this is analogous to what it’s like in my mind.  Information is spinning around randomly and I loose track of what I’m saying & doing.  A fact will just randomly “spit out” that may or may not be useful.  It may not even be my own memory but I will think it is.  I watch something on TV and think that a “clue” in  a show like Law & Order applies to my own life.  Truth be told, I don’t trust this information in my mind because it may or may not be true.  I don’t ever want to lie because it radically confuses the already random information spinning around.  But then again, I may tell a lie and swear to God I am telling the truth.

This is a very hard to explain & I’m sorry I can’t find the words to do it.  To give you an idea, writing this email took me took me 2 days now.  Add to that, 2 hours & 17 minutes & I’ve had to read it 24 times (I tracked this information on paper).

I want my sister to understand that I can’t do what she wants me to.  Mentally, I am unequipped.  I love her & WANT TO HELP … BUT WHAT DO I DO???   It’s like me asking you to sit down & explain (in detail) how the physics of a splitting an atom works.  Explain how a Plutonium atom is necessary for detonation versus that of an atom of Barium or Mercury.

I am absolutely exhausted ..