Phoenix Criminal Lawyer
July 30th, 2008 by admin

I was talking to a friend of mine’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.  Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give houses to all the homeless people.”

“Wow - what a worthy goal.” I told her, “You  don’t have to wait until you’re  President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and  sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50.

Then I’ll take you over to the grocery  store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds ’cause she’s only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

And I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”  Her folks still aren’t talking to me.

July 20th, 2008 by admin

Somebody was passing an email back and forth and I got a chuckle out of it, so I decided to cut and paste the email here to see if anyone else can get a laugh.

—– Original Message —-
From: The Zolad
To: The Sal
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2008 11:35:51 AM
Subject: Re: Allah

hahahaaha!

Dude, that email had me HOWLING in laughter!!!!   “hooking up with Allah and get nice sub-woofers when I die” is the best!!!!

YOU NEED TO POST THAT!

OH DUDE,  … HANG ON … I AM CHOKING & WATER IS RUNNING OUT OF MY NOSE FROM LAUGHING SO HARD!!!!!!!!

—– Original Message —-
From: Sal
To: The Zolad
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 4:53:01 PM
Subject: Re: Allah

I think he deserved a loud cluck, not a boo.  Too many other billions of people worship Allah.  You can’t say Allah is bad just from a few bad apples.  I have only corresponded with Allah a few times and don’t know him all that well, but he seems to be cool.  When you die you get to fuck 72 virgins and shit.  Not a bad deal.  And you get all of this for free simply by tying a bomb to your chest and walking into a building.  Imagine getting tons of free pussy for blowing yourself up into millions of pieces.  That’s one hell of a god, huh?

I wonder if I can hook up with Allah and get nice sub-woofers when I die.

— On Wed, 7/16/08, Zolad wrote:
From: The Zolad
Subject: Re: Allah
To: Sal
Date: Wednesday, July 16, 2008, 4:09 PM

<!–#yiv1944299038 iv358718468 DIV {margin:0px;}–>

He was being booed for paying honor to “Allah” in the US.   This is the god that Osama Bin Laden says called him to cause 9/11.

I think that deserves booing … don’t you?

—– Original Message —-
From: Sal
To: The Zolad
Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 1:59:15 AM
Subject: Allah

See… there is no Allah/God thing.  That’s why the people boo’d him.

http://www.virtualfestivals.com/latest/news/5040

July 16th, 2008 by admin

You gotta love Robin Williams….

Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan.  What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams’ plan… (Hard to argue with his logic!)

“I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace.  So, here’s one plan.”

1) The US will apologize to the world for our “interference” in their affairs, past and present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those “good ole boys”. We will never “interfere” again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home, baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not “interfere.” They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us, “Ugly Americans” any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it…or LEAVE…Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.” She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?”

July 13th, 2008 by admin

pig1.jpg

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw  pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.”  And he did !!!

pig2.jpg

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said, “Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna  huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did!

pig3.jpg

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said, “Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!”

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The  wolf said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

pig4.jpg

A  few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs  come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him.  Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired and killed the wolf.  Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek.  Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off!

pig5.jpg

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! “Who the hell were those guys?”, they asked.

“Those were my cousins… the Guinea Pigs”

July 9th, 2008 by admin

Dear wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever! the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

July 9th, 2008 by admin

This guy ROCKS!  We need a guy like this who HAS BALLS to run the USA.  Not Obama or McCain.

READ ON…

Maricopa County of Arizona was spending approximately $18 million dollars per year on stray animals, like cats and dogs.  Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said, “okay”.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who’d like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78 bucks. The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 cents an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand. He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote. Now he’s in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn’t doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He’s kind of a ‘Git-R Dun’ kind of Sheriff.

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO

HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ‘”Tent City Jail”: He has jail meals down to $.40 cents per serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails and took away their weights Cut off all but “G” movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn’t Get Sued For Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.

When asked why the weather channel He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot It’s Gonna Be While They Are Working ON My Chain Gangs.

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, “This Isn’t The Ritz/Carlton…..If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Come Back.”

He bought Newt Gingrich’s lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports: About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.

“It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace”, Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. “It’s Inhumane.”

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: ‘It’s 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear, But They Didn’t Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Mouths!’

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it’s time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can’t afford to have for themselves.

Sheriff Joe was just re-elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona

July 9th, 2008 by admin

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew Chunks”.

To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”

And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!”

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”