Johnny’s Blog

The Zolad just wrote this letter to me tonight after he got back out of town.  I love his writing style. I thought I’d share this with you and his stories about his homeless friends.

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Dear African Community,

This is to inform you that myself … (as the duly elected the tribal liaison representing the Oppression of Impoverished Africans Trying to Buy Mercedes Benz’s (OIATBM League), is NOW BACK IN TOWN.  I was out of town helping my fellow homeless get a ride to work in nothing short of a 2008 SLR McLaren Roadster.
The discount for the homeless if FANTASTIC and should be jumped on immediately!!!

Just imagine the poultry price of  $497,450.00.  That would ONLY TAKE (probably) HI-JACKING BANK & TWO 7-11’s.

I have been through dozens of vehicles, and I have found the most affordable vehicle that you will considering acceptable.
For those of you wanting a new and WELL DESERVED Mercedes, we at OIATBM are recommending that *ALL* FOLK RECEIVE THE FOLLOWING:

http://www.mbusa.com/models/main.do?modelCode=SLR

Bottom line … I’M BACK IN TOWN …  Thought you animals would like to know.  If I CC’d anyone and by accident, please accept my apology.   Email errors haunt & plague me!!!

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THIS IS TOO FUNNY

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

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A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and  have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.’

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!”

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Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

……………………………………………………

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat’s Answer :

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Redneck’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! ‘
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist’

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Victoria, Texas (Pop. 55,000) is a town about 125 miles southwest of Houston .

Local Hispanic leaders, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community.

The boycott was declared a success in the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%.

Business owners also declared the boycott a tremendous success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 89%.

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1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s, used, size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of “Guns & Ammo” magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke , Slim, & I went for more ammunition. Back
in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this
morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em
in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

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