Johnny’s Blog

01.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
02.   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03.   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
04.   Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
05.   Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
06.   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07.   If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes
09.   If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10.   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11.   If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12.   If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13.   Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14.   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15.   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16.   A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17.   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18.   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19.   Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20.   Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21.   Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22.   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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WOULD YOU REMARRY??

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question…..

WIFE: ‘What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: ‘Definitely not!’

WIFE: ‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’

HUSBAND: ‘Of course I do.’

WIFE: ‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?’

HUSBAND: ‘Okay, okay, I’d get married again.’

WIFE: ‘You would?’ (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: ‘Would you live in our house?’

HUSBAND: ‘Sure, it’s a great house.’

WIFE: ‘Would you sleep with her in our bed?’

HUSBAND: ‘Where else would we sleep?’

WIFE: ‘Would you let her dri ve my car?’

HUSBAND: ‘Probably, it is almost new.’

WI FE: ‘Would you replace my pictures with hers?’

HUSBAND: ‘That would seem like the proper thing to do’

WIFE: ‘Would you give her my jewelry?’

HUSBAND : ‘No, I’m sure she’d want her own.’

WIFE: ‘Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: ‘Yes, those are always good times.’

WIFE: ‘Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: ‘No, she’s left-handed.’

WIFE: —– silence ——

HUSBAND: “Oops”

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I’m Still waiting….

I did what you told me .  I sent the email to 10 people like you said . I’m still waiting for that miracle to happen .    To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,  NONE OF THAT  SHIT  WORKED! For 2008 & 2009, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers, or airline tickets instead?

Thank you!

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A woman calls her mother. ‘I’m divorcing Sam! All he wants is anal sex! My asshole is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel!’

Mother says, ‘You’re married to a multi-millionaire, you live in an 8-bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $5,000 a week allowance you take 8 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?’

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It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor!

Only it isn’t seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE ! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Y’all know who they are…

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, ‘One nation, under God.’

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say ‘Christmas‘ instead of ‘Winter Festival.’

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You’ve never burned an American flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You’d give your last dollar to a friend.

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At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side.   Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered ‘1′  ON PURPOSE!

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl.  If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.  It’s like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin i s also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couc h tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that?  It’s like camping.

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It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn’t understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says…

“Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin’ fo’ yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo’! So grab yo’ chirren, yo’ Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo’ da nearest guv’ment office fo yo FREE shit!”

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