Johnny’s Blog

Someone mentioned calories and how poor a metric they are. I just restarted the “real diet” Monday to see if I can go down another 10 inches[1] in pants size. I dropped 10 in 2006 by being strict about it while still consuming 3000 calories a day.

I noticed the return of an unpleasant phenomenon which seems to be related to the first couple of weeks of no-carbing it. Craps of a nature most unnatural and foul.

I know what you’re thinking. This is just Johnny Chuck with his overly descriptive chronicles of cream corn, etc., but I’m being real here. I’m talking about an oily greenish mess exuding a pungent melange of odors beyond description. Just the swirling action of the flush makes semi-permanent marks on the bowl. Even after 30 minutes with the fan running, Punjabi day laborers fresh from eating week old lamb curry while perched on the edge of the dumpster corral can be heard crying out in alarm after breaking the plane of the mens room.

I of course slip silently out of the room and walk rapidly away. However, it is harder to escape derisive comment at home, where the suspect pool is so limited.

I am eating the 5 servings of fruit and vegetables. Is there some explanation for this cursed issue?

[1] I’d better watch where I say that.