Sally,I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I could not wait any more.The day you left, I swore I’d never speak to you again, but that was just the hurt little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking terrible anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak loudly as our pain.

This is what my heart says, “There’s nobody like you, Sally. I look for you in the eyes and Double-D breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. Not even close.”

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Baha Beach Club and took her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my depression. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating could give you. I mean, just a fantastic body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right?

As I sat on the sofa being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the important stuff we’ve created in our lives. It’s all so superficial, isn’t it? What’s so big about a perfect body? Does it make her better in the sack? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Sally? Probably not. And I’d never really thought of that before. I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little.

Later that night, after I had tossed her about a half pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her impeccable technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but anything else. Why did it feel so imcomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the similar without you. Damn it, Sally, I’m just going insane without you. And everything I do all day just reminds me of you.

Last year, do you remember that 37 year old with the perfect body named Nina, who’s at single mom and is a fitness instructor at the Bally Fitness Center? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later; but that’s no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it’s totally hot, but it delivers e sad too because I can’t help thinking “Why didn’t Sally ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy?”

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Christie’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of acceptable advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to have back together. Sally, she really is.

So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the comparable DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Christie is really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s monkey button, all I can do is think of you? It’s true, Sally. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the equivalent, I beg of you, please, let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love Elias

Me: $1.1 Million?!?! Dude, that is INSANE!!!!

Zolad: Yeah, I agree, that is a shit pile of money. I was in the hospital for nearly 3 months though. 80 of the 90 days were in ICU. The first 60 days were in T-ICU (for traumas specifically, that was far & above the regular price of ICU’s. The T-ICU, as I am told, has assigned 1 doctor and 1 24-hour nurse per patient. You NEVER share a doctor or a nurse. That HAD to run (I just guessing) like $35,000 a day. Keep in mind I was in a coma for 32 days as well. I went through surgery twice … and that surgery happen to be neurosurgery. Ya gotta know, as far as surgery prices go, you don’t get much more expensive. I did see some breakdown of this, and I do know the the brain surgeon was called in at 3:30am. His first procedure was within a few hours of my arrival (in a coma), so to prevent brain death & paralysis they had to operate immediately. His was something like $45,000. When I get parts of the breakdown, I will send them to you.Now that I look back, The Harv offered my folks the same surgical procedures for $49.99 and if they acted IMMEDIATELY, he would throw in a nice toaster & even a juicer/mixer. Damn, they fucked up that one, didn’t they.

Me: How can I see an itemized list of everything??!?!

Man, I thought putting that needle in your back would hurt LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. I didn’t know that they could numb the pain prior to doing that. Wow!

Zolad: Ya homey!! Thank God. Even the dude, who was a nurse standing next to me the entire time had to laughing my ass off during the procedure. He said something like “Bro, without this anestesia, what’s being done to you now would have you screaming in pain.” I said “For real? No shit?” So he and the doctor BOTH started laughing and said “Definitely!! And NO SHIT, EITHER!”

For those of you who don’t know, Zolad was in a car crash last year that put him in a 32-day coma. He’s in constant pain and has permanent memory loss, but he still has the ability to type incredibly detailed emails. Here’s one of those emails:

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Skippie,All went well with my Spinal Epidural today procedure today. My doctor said it may take a week or two for the injections to work & reduce the swelling in the neck & spinal cord. It was painless since they gave me a local anesthetic. Truth is, it takes time to work and it’s not working “yet” so I have to be patient. I have plenty of patience, thank God. I’m glad I had it done and the doctor was very encouraging. He was not only very aware of the pain but was not in the least bit surprised of the amount of pain, even after 15 months. He told me that I will be “fighting” pain, WITH the help of state-of-the-art medication & procedures like today, for a long time (like years I suspect) - so don’t get discouraged - your healing is very painful and everything is par-for-the-course right now.I’m just happy they know exactly what’s happening to me and are not in the least bit surprised. For that, I am forever grateful. In fact, I said very little and he took the words right out of my mouth. What a relief that is!! He pointed and lightly touched entire neck & parts of my spinal area & said “I’ll bet this is where it all hurts, right?” What a GREAT feeling to know that this guy understands EXACTLY what’s going on. He looked at my history again today and said “we will work together to bring the pain under control. You’ve got to be patient.” I am … I promise you that. I also have faith that this is for a bigger purpose.Just wanted to say HI and tell ya that all is okay. Zolad is back in business (as much as I can be) and ready for a good quality filth & porn as always. Daamn. My medical bills just topped 1.1 million dollars. You got a spare $600,000 laying around that you can send me??

Zoly

This video spawned off all of the research on the gross subject. Zolad did some lookups on the Net and came back with some of what you see.The funny part is when it gets to 3 min, 12 seconds of the video below:
http://www.break.com/index/how-not-to-adopt-a-child-from-africa.html

After he saw that video, Zolad responded with:

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HAHAHAHAHA!

Cleavland Steamer???????

I’m sure I used to know, but after laughing hysterically, I frightened to ask what that is??? That thing was great. Thanks dude!!

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Next reply: So, it’s gotta involve taking a dump on someone! hence the “steamer” but I’m quite sure he said “Cleavland” I’m gonna Google that … hang on …AAAHH!! HERE’S THE ANSWER … 1st main result in search lead me to “Wickipedia”

Cleveland steamer is a form of coprophilia, where a man or a woman defecates^[1] There is also an alternative method where a man or a woman defecates on a partner’s chest then spreads the feces around with his or her buttocks in a sexual manner.^[2][3][4] on a partner’s chest.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleveland_steamer

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Next reply: Notice that the answer from Wickipedia included the word coporophilla … because we’re pals and I feel as though you’ll be a better person knowing this, I want you to see its definition from Wickipedia.

• Coprophagia — the consumption of feces
• Human toilet — defecating and/or urinating on someone as a BDSM practice
  • Dirty Sanchez — smearing feces under the nose of the partner in the form of a mustache
  • Cleveland steamer — defecating on the partner’s chest.
• 2 Girls 1 Cup — a pornographic viral video involving feces and vomit, proved capable of making the viewer throw up in no less than fifteen to twenty seconds
• Urolagnia (also known as urophilia) — a paraphilia involving sexual pleasure through urine

It could just be the brain damage … but that sounds simply HORRIFIC!!

Just imagine how warped you’d have to be to actually WANT your wife to take a big dump on you, and then you EAT IT all the while getting sexually aroused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know there was an actual name for such horror??

>
Zolad just sent me this email and he was researching very disturbing sexual behavior. Here’s his original, unmodified email, cut and pasted to teach some of you wack jobs some new information: I am crashing, but wanted you to sleep with pleasant thoughts and memories.

ASS TO MOUTH: It is also known as A2M, ATM, or Arse-to-Mouth. Ass to mouth generally excludes cleaning the penis or other object after its removal from the anus and before its insertion into the mouth for the sake of increased sexual excitement and pleasure domination/humiliation of the passive partner. “Ass to other girl’s mouth,” abbreviated as A2OGM or ATOGM, specifically describes the variant of the act where the penis is moved from one partner’s anus to a different partner’s mouth. Another variation is known as A2P, ATP, or Ass-to-Pussy which refers to removing the penis from the anus and inserting it into the vagina. The term has been used since at least January 1995 and clearly defined since at least August 1996.^[2] Despite its health risks, it is prevalent in pornographic films.^[3][4]
ASSHOLE LICKING / TONGUING: “Anilingus” involves a variety of techniques to stimulate the anus including kissing, licking, and sliding the tongue in and out of the anus. Pleasure for the receiver comes from the sensitive nerve endings surrounding the anal opening, which are typically stimulated by the tongue and lips.

Pleasure for the giver can come from various sources. Anilingus can satisfy both anal and oral fixations in the giver. Pheromones produced in and around the anus are also thought to play a role in the pleasures experienced by one who performs anilingus.

Someone mentioned calories and how poor a metric they are. I just restarted the “real diet” Monday to see if I can go down another 10 inches[1] in pants size. I dropped 10 in 2006 by being strict about it while still consuming 3000 calories a day.

I noticed the return of an unpleasant phenomenon which seems to be related to the first couple of weeks of no-carbing it. Craps of a nature most unnatural and foul.

I know what you’re thinking. This is just Johnny Chuck with his overly descriptive chronicles of cream corn, etc., but I’m being real here. I’m talking about an oily greenish mess exuding a pungent melange of odors beyond description. Just the swirling action of the flush makes semi-permanent marks on the bowl. Even after 30 minutes with the fan running, Punjabi day laborers fresh from eating week old lamb curry while perched on the edge of the dumpster corral can be heard crying out in alarm after breaking the plane of the mens room.

I of course slip silently out of the room and walk rapidly away. However, it is harder to escape derisive comment at home, where the suspect pool is so limited.

I am eating the 5 servings of fruit and vegetables. Is there some explanation for this cursed issue?

[1] I’d better watch where I say that.

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock , 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

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Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: “I’m fucking bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!”

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O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

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Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
“What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

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While taxiing at London ’s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
“Wasn’t I married to you once?”